# TWC ## Intro Let us just start by saying we are just as surprised as you! The weekly comet? Coming out in the middle of summer? In this economy? But just like how bees can fly airplanes or global warming, scientists have never really cracked the code of when this fine newspaper's namesake will make its return. Lucky for us, it's on a semi-elliptical orbit. Unlucky for us, that orbit usually involves crash landing in the sunroom with approximately five other sisters. Which proves the old adage: You can change the sheets and steam clean the carpet, but you can never really drain the swamp, because the real wetland was the sisters we potty-trained along the way. For this very special sighting of the celestial rock that inspires us to write such moving prose (and to question the Grace's role on the board of directors), we have lined up nothing but the best stories for you. We have people diving off the deep end (into the Willamette); siblings beginning their bright new careers as subsistence farmers in the back-40; actual photos of Diego's glistening abs as he risks his life fighting the biggest and baddest forest fire in years; ever deepening intrigue about Grace's continued unemployability at the Benton County fair (she knows what she did); and, of course, a deep-dive into the private lives of three community college theater directors attempting to convince Ezra that their program would be the right fit. All of that, some of that, an undetermined amount of that, *could* be coming up, in this: The weekly comet's summer of baby love. ## Finn Born in the hot and sweaty summer of baby love, Finn is the newest growing member of the growing family. As the classic turn-of-phrase about the Polymarket De-Vilder-ball betting pool goes: "No one knows the day or hour, but the season and the rose bush." So too, it was for our intrepid parents who were then nominally on their way to see the major motion picture, The Odyssey, in theaters; but in reality were on their way to a live off-Broadway musical: The Trojan Baby. Which had a surprising number of p!nk songs in it. Those poor doctors would have no idea that Johanna had snuck a baby into the ward until it was too late, and she had already given birth. For context, in Germany, if a baby is born in a hospital the midwives there are required to take care of it. This is why they have staff trying to prevent expectant mothers (mothers expectant?) from sneaking in and stealing free health care for their adorable little potatoes. And how did they know that this plan would work? They had a man on the inside: Marius from college. Marius was able to get Johanna the *good* drugs while Micah distracted the midwife with his endless supply of public transport facts. "Did you know that approximately 50% of all trips taken with public transit in the US take place in New York City?" After a short twenty-eight hours of "enhanced interrogation" / labor, including twelve at the hospital, the plan was all set. It was two a.m. and the midwife noticed a strange bulge with red-hair coming out of Johanna. Boom! Finn Carrots Hartung-De Wyldere was born. After some baby-bonding and nursing, Johanna was reluctantly admitted with her new baby into the baby-ward where she would stay with him for the next few days before they were cleared to go home. Finn is, more than anything, hungry. There isn't a boob or well-formed bicep that he'll turn down if he thinks there's milk involved. Aside from eating, pooping, and sleeping, he's turned to a more entrepreneurial endeavor, expanding Germany's legendary night-scene. That's right, Bonn's hottest new club is "Kak Fabrik", and it has *everything*: A 24/7 dance floor playing melodic House/Trance, Electro-Pop and John Cragie; live DJ's desperate to make you happy; multiple-bouncers; free shots; and, for VIP's without bottle-service, an always on-call topless lactating woman. Conveniently, it is staffed by mom and dad, who don't need to sleep, the perfect fit! Anytime day or night you can be dancing to Europe's latest disco-hits just before sucking on the nipple you hold most dear. How does it all work? We were able to have an interview with one of the workers to take you inside the club: TWC: "It's incredible what Finn has pulled off here. Can you tell us more about the day to day, and the marketing involved to get to this point?" Employee: "This is a call to the international community: Help! We're being held against our will and forced to work here. Johanna hasn't slept for more than an hour since the club opened weeks ago." TWC: "Thank you for your fascinating insight. I'm sorry that's happening to you; I bet does that cut down on costs for the club though." The interview continued like this, we'll spare you full transcript, and not just because our transcriptionist learned their skills from that one scene in the stupids. We also had a chance to talk to a representative of Mr. Hartung-De Vzlder, the owner of "Kak Fabrik", in order to dispel these nasty rumors. TWC: "Thank you for taking the time to talk to us. You've heard rumors about your employer. How do you respond to allegations of forced labor and a hostile work environment?" Representative: "First of all, Finn pays everyone working at Kak Fabrik a fair market wage. So don't blame him, blame capitalism. On a more personal note, I'm grateful to Mr. Finneaous for his patronage here. He could have evicted us when he commandeered the apartment to open his new club, but he choose to let us stay on as unpaid volunteers catering to his every whim and desire. 'Der Faust ist das halbe Schnitzel', as he likes to say." TWC: "Plausible. Just one final follow up question: Aren't you the same guy we were just talking as a representative of the workers?" Representative: "I wear many hats." TWC: "That's not a hat; that's an unused diaper?" Representative: "Haha, guess again." TWC: "Ewww. No." Clearly young Kak Fabrik is already mired in controversy, but that is also what makes it such a hot club (that and the lack of air-conditioning). Oh? the workers are slowly losing their minds due to sleep deprivation? That's so intruiging. What's that? One of them is broken down sobbing in the bathroom right now? Thrilling! That's the kind of novelty that conventional clubs just can't bring to the table. Of course it isn't just about the nightlife for Finn. As a wilder Hartung, Finn is looking forward to meeting his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins (both born and unborn, wink-wink) and crushing them all at De-Vyldere-ball. His parents have promised to fully support his De-Vyldere-ball career, even securing a future place at Jewbie's professional training-camp and rose garden in the mountains of Portland. We "grownups" at the TWC can't wait to have first crack at using him has a human-shield and edge-run around the no-hands rule. Welcome to the family Finn, you'll do just fine. ## The man with the van We all remember Van Gogh (now Van Went, RIP) but rumors have it that Jay (a.k.a. the man without a van) is trading in is sweet electric wheels for 1999 GMC Savana Camper-Van. Yes, there's a little bit of an age-gap between Jay and his new wheels/digs. But who are we to judge? Camper van love is camper van love. The real question is, where do you take all that van and all those vegetables he grew around his apartment? That's right: Black Rock City. I just hope that no Archdukes get assassinated during his planned time as vegetable salesman (my cabbages!) and art connoisseur. That would just be catastrophic for the world balance of peace. Good luck out there Jay. Stay cool.